Getting Them to College: Establishing a College-Bound Mindset

by Sandy Hancock

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College looms large in our view these days. Having just walked through the process for the 4th time - once for myself and 3 times for my kids - the end of the road is clearly in sight, and I can look back on the process yet once again to see what I have learned about life and, in this case, about how to educate a child to be ready for college.

Before we begin, however, I must warn you. If you are one who believes that a child is supposed to make his or her own decisions about life, you will not be happy with what follows.

I believe that a child is a child, born from Father Adam with a fallen, sinful nature. Even after accepting Christ, Paul in the book of Romans, makes it clear that - while we have received the elements of a new nature, our life will be a lifelong series of choices between the sin nature and the Christ-nature. He says that the good he wishes to do, he does not do, & the bad he doesn't want to do, he does. It's a battle in our lives, and we have to choose between the two sides daily, usually hourly. To expect a child to be otherwise is to demean the child by holding him or her to unrealistic standards. That means that children (and adults) will seek the easy, quick, me-first-oriented pathway until, having observed their parents and their parents' associates and the work of Holy Spirit in their own lives, they become an adult {our society says at age 18} and make the decision to either abandon that pattern - whichever one they have seen - or pursue it big time.

I expect children to make wrong decisions frequently. I have had people come to me and say, "How can you work with so-and-so's kid? He's so awful and does bad things!" While I require them to obey my rules, I expect all kids to do some bad things until someone witnesses to them a better way. Some kids see that witness at home in their parents. Some kids will see it from another person or persons God places in their lives. God loves them individually, and He does provide someone to fill that job. Whether that person is flesh and blood or Holy Spirit or the people of the Bible, God will provide someone.

So, in what follows, you will see that I have found that wisdom comes from experience. Children haven't had enough time to have experience, so they must get it from their parents or from that someone God placed in their lives. That's you and me, folks. If you teach your children to value wisdom, they will also learn to respect those who possess wisdom. Proverbs 4:7 says, "Wisdom is the principle thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all your getting get understanding."

This means you release your children into independent decision-making as they display wisdom, not knowledge. I can know all the rules of the road and how to drive a car - all of which are forms of knowledge - but if I display by my life that I disrespect authority that I can physically see, such as parents, teachers, pastors, and adults in general, then only a fool would hand me the keys of a car and tell me to go drive somewhere. If children cannot obey and respect the visible people placed in their lives as authorities, why would they ever obey the invisible authorities of The Law and …..God Himself? Do you only drive the speed limit when a police car is in view? Do you use your turn signals as required? They - children around you - are watching how you respect invisible authority.

As they show wisdom and one of its first products - respect, children can be gradually released into making their own decisions. Until that time, it's you - like it or not. Don't be a friend to your child while they are a child. Children change friends as they find new interests, especially when they become adults. Do you want them to leave you behind? Instead, be their parent. You can hold that title forever. Then, when they become adults, you can establish friendship easily, as you would with any other adult you met with whom you want to be a friend.

So, the decision that they will go to college begins with you. You establish the environment and culture that makes that possible. Environment is the rules and expectations you lay down as normal for your home. Culture is more than most people think. Culture is not just opera, art museums, and tea parties. Culture is that part of life that appreciates beauty in all - ALL - its forms. From mathematics to sports, poetry to fishing, literature to cooking, carpentry to the Bible, art & music to auto mechanics, and ALL the other areas of knowledge, one can see beauty and appreciate it, even if one does not particularly enjoy that certain form of knowledge. As an extreme, I can see and appreciate an enemy's strengths without agreeing with his actions or beliefs. Indeed, if I am to defeat that enemy, I must appreciate those qualities.

What are some ways to establish an environment and culture in your home that college is the expected pathway for a child's life? Before we go there, I will answer another question: does this mean that every child should go to college? No, it doesn't. However, I fail to see why someone who has decided to go into a trade or certificate program for a career or to become a full-time mother at home should be uneducated in some areas. Does wanting to be an auto mechanic mean you should be ignorant of math or art? No, it doesn't. Have you ever met anyone who wishes they had fewer math skills? Everyone I know wishes they had more. Have you ever met anyone who says, "Boy, I wish I'd never learned to read" or "I hate being a good writer?" I think not. So, preparing an average child to be educated well for college entry will not harm them in any way. It should make life easier if they choose a vocational pathway. So, returning to the question, how do we establish an environment and culture that says, "You will go to college."? (sic)

First of all, one must begin the process way younger than many think. The pathway to college begins no later than third grade. Once a child can read independently, it is time to begin seeding the idea of college into the child. When a parent begins this early, there is a great deal less rush at the end of the process. If you don't start till later, you CAN catch up, but it will take all the effort that would have been in the earlier years poured into a shorter, or even much shorter, amount of time.

One begins the process by the way a parent talks and by the things that he/she does. For example, one must be careful what is said before the child. It must no longer be "You must learn this thing in case you want to go to college." When the thing that must be learned is unpleasant, the child hears this: "You can avoid the unpleasant thing by deciding not to go to college." Remember that sinful nature thing? Which way will Child choose?

Instead, one must rephrase things in this manner: "WHEN you go to college, you will need this thing so learn it." "When you go" establishes that the direction has been decided. Instead of avoiding an unpleasant thing, one is filling the tool belt or tool box with things that WILL be needed. It also establishes an expectation of higher education, an inner confidence that your parents think you CAN make it, and a clear goal. Hard things should be learned because, "When you go to college, I want you to have an easier time there because you have learned THIS thing." "Wow! Mom's trying to make my life easier! I can go with that!"

This month, I'll give you one more element to add to your life. The others will be given at an upcoming webinar you can attend, and - should you decide to do so - when you join our new college mindset program that will begin this summer. The second element of the environment, after watching your language, is to make sure there are plenty of opportunities for your child to read good books. Whether you own the books or have them on loan from the library, books should be easily seen in your home and easily used. Don't bring in lots of currently popular books. The language of recently written books is guaranteed to be dumbed down, and it won't stretch them upwards to college-level reading. Think of those popular books as chocolate, something to be had in small amounts. For language development the easy way, have books written before 1900. Avoid some of Mr. Twain's novels (Tom Sawyer, Huck Finn) for a while. They are written in a common man dialect, which you do not want your student to pick up casually. The internet will do THAT to them, without the need for Mr. Twain's help.

At first, your student will whine that the books are too hard, boring, impossible to read, uninteresting, I-don't-like-it, etc. {Walking a mile is hard too unless you do it every day!} However, if you have the child read this genre daily - yes, every day, which means 7 days a week - for at least an hour in elementary school and two hours in high school, the language will open up to them after about 3 weeks. It will become easier because their brains developed! Reading the written word causes connections to be made in your brain that cannot be made by viewing videos. Is viewing videos bad? No. However, it cannot be substituted for reading; it is, instead, a supplement to reading.

These connections will make information more accessible from all parts of the brain. The math side will begin to speak to the poetry side which begins to speak to the mechanical side, etc. The brain's development in this way cannot be acquired by any other method. {And, by the way, you can start this for yourself as well and see major results.} You might even notice that the student's speech and writing improve as well. The vast amount of research on speech and writing says that your speech and writing mirror what you are reading. No reading? Lower brain activity. Lower brain activity? Who wants to brag about that? Plus, lower brain activity is connected with the beginning of Alzheimer's. Use it or lose it DOES apply to the brain.

So, if you want your student to go to college and finish, you need to start adding these first elements to your environment and to begin gently to add culture - the appreciation of beauty in every subject - to your home. Want more info? Join the webinar in April. (Info will be posted later this week.)

You CAN do this. It is not too hard. Come with me. I'll help you.